It’s Times Like These…

I’ve had a ton on my mind these last few months and to elaborate more on a recent Facebook post, I decided to blog my feelings. This post may ramble a bit and it will be messy. But, hey, feelings are messy. They’re complicated. They’re uncomfortable. They’re honest. And they’re mine.

Here goes…

To say 2020 has been a weird year would be an understatement. I don’t know how many times I’ve repeated, “What a strange time to be alive.” The wild fires that devastated both California and Australia were traumatic, especially after remembering how bad we had it here in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. Once the pandemic hit, my emotions felt like they were all over the place once again. I was still recovering from 2019. I was at the lowest of the low last year and only a select few know how bad it really got because I hid my pain under a smile. As 2020 progressed, I felt like the bandaid ripped right off again.

I take pride in being a pretty independent person. I live alone and pay for all my bills on my own. I’ve never been married and don’t have anyone I’m dating seriously. Once quarantine hit, I was forced to realize how alone I really have been and how much social interaction I rely on. Spending an entire month by yourself knowing your family isn’t even in the same state or country and not being able to go into work honestly crushed me. My only solace had been going on social distancing walks with a couple friends and knowing the company I work for truly takes care of all of us employees. They have been my extended family and I needed them.

Feeling alone I think is something that many of us struggle with. We want to be accepted, loved, praised, etc. Growing up, I really struggled with fitting in with my classmates. I’ll never forget being so excited to move to a new place…a new state…a new world and adventure for the 7 year old me to embark on. My family moved to Tennessee from Oregon in 1995. Despite my excitement for new friends and a new place, I was still painfully shy. Kids in my class were not very warm and welcoming. I had trouble understanding the accents here and new Southern terminology despite being one of the smartest kids in my class. As the years went on, I was teased for not going to the Baptist Church (my family is Catholic). I was teased endlessly for being curvy and one of the few girls in my 5th or 6th grade with at least a B cup. And unless people wanted me to help them with their homework, I felt like I just didn’t matter.

Which brings me to my next point I touched on via Facebook. As an adult, I still never thought people would be so cruel based on how I look. I always thought kids would grow out of the insecure hate they felt. But I was wrong. I STILL get hated on for being too pretty, too ugly, too curvy, too much, not skinny enough, too skinny, and everything in between. I get left out of groups or not invited to outings, people secretly hating me, rumors flying, webpages being built, losing friends and the list goes on. When will we ever stop being so mean because of what people look like?

Middle and high school are often considered the hardest times for kids growing up. And even with everything I just talked about and being teased, I still pen the loss of my father in 7th grade as the most traumatic event I went through in my young life. Every year when June rolls around, something in my psyche just changes as I reflect on the anniversary of his passing.

This year, while I’ve been silently mourning my loss, I’ve been trying to be the rock to my friends who are also struggling. I’ve had so many close to me have family deaths or illness, their own health scares, divorces, break ups, loss of jobs, etc. It’s been pretty difficult trying to be the glue to hold everything together when I feel like I’m also falling apart. I’m hurting and I’m exhausted.

I’m not saying all of this because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Despite how much I hurt and how much I’m hurting for everyone around me, I still choose every day to keep fighting. I fill in at work so no one has to worry about being in a bind. I’ll stay up all night so no one has to cry themselves to sleep alone. I would do anything for my friends and family. I keep smiling and pushing because I’m a fighter and I never ever want anyone to feel alone and like they’re breaking like I have.
I’ll give the shirt off my back to those who need it. No matter what I want to keep being supportive. I continue to compliment others, buy them lunches, write them positive notes, check in with them, or whatever just so I can be an inspiration and guiding light to them. I’ve been thrown a ton of bricks in my life. But I’m still here and I’ll still fight the good fight for those around me.

There is so much hate right now all over the news and social media. I never thought in 2020, we’d have countries burning, a major pandemic, and still fighting for racial equality. The biggest point in me writing this is to show you’re not alone in your feelings. Kindness is a ripple effect. And no matter what people have done to me, I still want to shine my light on everyone around me. Now more than ever, we need to support each other and keep fighting for each other. We need to spread more love than anything. To those hurting, I see you. I hear you. I’m here for you.

It’s times like these you learn to love again.