- It’s finally here. I’m currently listening to Paul Cardall on Pandora. The blissful tinkering of the keys on the piano puts me in a peaceful trance. There’s something about piano that is so soothing to me. It gives me a new profound feeling of hope.
Hope.
That’s all I wish for in 2016…To regain the hope I once had for a better year and a more peaceful state of being.
On social media, I certainly appeared like I had everything put together. Having fun, basking in the California sun on the beautiful beaches, frequenting many comic cons, and just living the dream. But the truth is, behind my smile I was hurting deeply inside. 2015 was one of the most heartbreaking and stressful years of my life. I’d be lying if I said I was completely free of that sorrow now.
Only a select few really know the extent of how I’m feeling, and for my own personal reasons and mental stability, I refuse to elaborate on everything here. 2015 was certainly a series of misadventures (read previous blogs for explanation on this), but it goes far deeper than that. I’ve completely lost sense of who I am and everything I’ve stood for.
I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted and much has happened since then. I’ve wanted to write about my experiences at Fanboy and my road trips. I just couldn’t bring myself to come up with anything solid when I know other matters were weighing heavier on my heart.
The truth is I’ve completely strayed away from my positive living and put myself in an awful negative mental state. I’m certainly not saying this for pity, but it’s been hard for me to focus on what I need to when I keep feeling like I’m being kicked when I’m down.
This year I’m hoping I can change that. I’d rather not use this as a New Year’s resolution, but more so as a daily life task. Every day I need to focus more on the better things in life and not live in such a damaging mindset.
If I’m honest, it’s extremely difficult for me because I am sensitive to a lot of energies. If I’m in a negative area, I can feel it and it seems to have adverse effects on my mood. Sure, it may sound totally hippyish or perhaps completely bogus to you, but it’s the true.
As an empathetic creature, I tend to feel many of those around me in pain. I remember the first time I really took notice of my empathy toward others. I was sitting in church on a Wednesday night with my Mum, and the Pastor told everyone that if they wanted to come up to the altar to pray that night, they were welcome to do so. It was then that I noticed I could feel a lot of the emotions around me. People I had never even met before nor spoken to were radiating their pain throughout the room and I felt every pang. Tears started to well up as I watched all these people approach the stage to pray. Whatever was ailing these people, I just wanted to cry for them. It broke my heart that there was so much suffering in that very room, but at least they were in the place they’d need comfort the most.
Having said that, feeling all of that energy often tends to put a damper when I’m out in public places. I’ve started to become more reclusive so I avoid places that cause me stress, anxiety, or pain. I feel more and more paranoid about people knowing my private life and whereabouts. I also struggle finding connections to people and things I once loved. I feel like I’m out of place everywhere I go, as if I’ve been pasted into a painting where I simply don’t belong. I do know, though, that this is neither healthy nor productive. I simply can’t hide out in my room all the time hoping to never stumble upon any negativity.
I’m writing this to explain that over this last year something deep within me has profoundly changed. I’m not the person many of you used to know a year ago. Not that it’s a bad thing, but I certainly am a way different person than ever before. I also know that I need to regain focus on what I want in life. This year I’m hoping I can heal myself after all the grief I endured over the last year. I need to cleanse my mind of poisonous thoughts and not focus so much on my misadventures, but rather the beautiful things in my life. Perhaps I can use my blog as a medium to express my views on the world, things I’ve learned from my travels and life experiences, and promote positivity to those around me.
I hope this year will be a recharge for me. I know I’m not a robot, but I certainly do need to change out my batteries. Here’s to fresh start and a renewed sense of self. 2016, please be kind.
The Adventures of the Baroness 