Emotion.
Noun. A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others
Synonyms: Feelings.
I’ve mentioned in my past blogs about all the things I have been doing here in California…all the misadventures. What I haven’t really touched on, though, is my feelings about everything here.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time in my adult life shutting off any sort of emotion. I’d go each day getting caught up in a mundane routine, trying to busy my mind so I wouldn’t have to feel anything. Wake up, go to work, come home, nap, work out, get lost in a book or movie, go to bed. Repeat. I stayed numb to most things. I was just a body…merely existing and taking up air space.
As I mentioned before in my last blog, I feel very similar to Lewis Carroll’s character, Alice. My head is often lost in the clouds, traveling to far away make believe places…places that don’t require me to think about my daily life. Maybe I sound insane and delusional, but it is my only way to escape.
Within the course of the last year, however, something happened. I can’t really give a specific moment or event that really triggered it, but I was starting to feel all sorts of emotions. The worst part is they weren’t even mine. I was feeling empathy for so many people around me. As odd as it may seem, I could feel others’ pain, and it made it difficult for me to be in places with large crowds. I had this overwhelming urge to cry for so many people. Crazy, right?
Then it was like a nuclear bomb set off or a volcano erupted. All these emotions started flooding out…feelings I never even knew I had. Some days I don’t even know what to do with myself and everything that’s going on inside. I’ve kept everything locked away and hidden for so long, even verbalizing what is going on with me is a daunting task.
As the months keep ticking by here, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reminiscing. Today was Wrestlemania, an event that makes me miss my old friends in Tennessee even more. Granted, I was never a die-hard wrestling fan, but living with a friend who used to wrestle and enjoys the sport gave me a new respect for it. My old crew of friends used to go sit at a local bar, eat dinner, have a few drinks, and enjoy each other’s company while watching the matches. It never truly mattered to me what we were doing as long as we were all doing it together.
But I don’t have that tight knit circle here anymore. While the ladies I have met here are super nice and lovely, it’s still very hard to relate to the military lifestyle. Our lives are just so very different. I’m really starting to feel my profound single status being the only bachelorette here. Being single, truthfully, never bothered me before. Now, I’m very confused about what I want. For the first time, in a long time, I feel very lonely.
I miss my friends so much. I knew it’d be hard doing this without my best friends. But right now, I need them here more than anything. I miss being able to go grab a coffee and search through books with Ashley, or having a drink and watching silly youtube videos with Amanda, or finding a new restaurant to try for lunch with Kevin. I don’t know what I would do without technology right now. I’m so glad I’m able to at least text or skype with them.
I also miss my family. This is the first time I’ve gone this long without seeing my Mum. This will be the first Easter I won’t be going to her house and hanging out with my Great Aunt and sister enjoying Tony’s cooking. Part of me feels really selfish for coming out here, and I hate that.
The most difficult thing for me to admit right now is how terrified I am. When summer rolls around, I’m so worried I won’t be able to find a steady job and place I can afford on my own. I’ve had my fair share of hardships, but I’ve never had to deal with all of this all at once.
Even though they aren’t here, I can’t be any more grateful for Ashley, Kevin, Nigel, Amanda, and Dave for checking in with me and keeping me company late at night through messages. I’m equally grateful for Sam allowing me to stay here like she has.
I’m trying so hard. As much as I try not to post any negativity, I really am having a difficult time hiding behind a smile anymore. I just hope one day I can find my place in the world. But for now, I’ll be hiding out in Wonderland.
This song just goes with how I’ve been feeling…
The Adventures of the Baroness 
I know we don’t know each other all that well, but I’ve been thinking about y(our) situation a lot lately. We both made relatively big moves about the same time (though yours was much farther) after growing up in basically the same place for several years, and I’ve been wondering how you were handling things on your end. I know for me, it has not been the easiest adjustment.
I do want to say that I’m rooting for us. Missing home sucks (believe me – I know), but we each took a chance, and I believe we both want to see it flourish or we wouldn’t have left in the first place. Just know that you’ve got a support system outside your group of close friends.
So keep your head up! Ariel needs to be near an ocean anyhow…. 😉
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